I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize