just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
