my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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