i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
