The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
