I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
