I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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