What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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