Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's blow job season.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
