My sheets look like a crime scene.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
