My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
