Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
