I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
