When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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