I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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