Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
