I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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