guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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