The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
