How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
is it fun? or sober?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
