Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My pussy is not your playground.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
