Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
