youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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