Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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