You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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