we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
