why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
