youre lurking in front of me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
