I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
