I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
