my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
