Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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