it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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