Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
