We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
