Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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