so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
