If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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