i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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