i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We are all done wearing pants today
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