U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
