I will die if light touches me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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