Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize