How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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