Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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