If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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