I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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