Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
