he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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