I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
