apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
