the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
