Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
