If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
