Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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