; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
