we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
